Delicious Ambiguity

Exactly one year ago today, Jack Raphael Staebler "officially" entered our lives.  Sure, he really became official months earlier when the home pregnancy test flashed "PREGNANT" at us in all its glory.  But on the afternoon of April 1, 2010, my doctor squeezed that warm, gooey jelly onto my ever growing belly and with one touch of the ultrasound wand, voila!

I still remember the moment as if it was yesterday - down to what I was wearing.  Madelyn came with us and she and Justin were sitting in the chairs next to the exam table as the doctor touched the ultrasound wand (I have no idea the technical term, but I always call it a wand because it really is magic what it does) to my tummy and said, "Well hello baby boy!"

I looked over at Justin and he looked back at me and I said, "His name is Jack."  It was exactly what we had prayed for.  We love our little girl and all of the glitter, pink and sweetness she brings, but we were so looking forward to having a boy in the house.  From that moment on, even Maddie referred to the basketball under my shirt as Jack.  Everyone who knew us, knew Jack...before he was even born. 

My how different life is one year later!  One year later, instead of buying up goodies to stuff in his Easter basket, we're dreadfully approaching another milestone.  A milestone none of us wants to reach.  The day when Jack has been in heaven as long as he was here on earth.

I think maybe, since Jack really "came to be" approximately 19 weeks before his birthday, we can extend that milestone.  Regardless, I know when that day dawns, our hearts are going to hurt and long for our baby boy.  His crib will feel a little more empty that day; the house a little more quiet.  There will be tears, there will be lots of prayers and who knows, maybe even a smile or two will find its way to our faces as we remember our little Jackeroo.

In the end, I can't be sure what any day will bring, so who knows where April 6, 2011 will find us.  It's just one of the things I'm learning to deal with these days.

While cleaning out my email yesterday, I came across this quote in a daily email I receive called "Daily Inspiration".  I think it about sums up the outlook Justin and I both have on life now that Jack rests in the arms of our savior, rather than the arms of his earthly parents:

"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."

– Gilda Radner

I think that's true of faith as well.  I will be the first to tell you my faith ebbs and flows these days.  But thanks to a God that loves me (even though many days I swear it's the opposite) I have been given a husband with amazingly strong faith and when my faith wanes, he is there to fill my cup back up.
 
While April Fools Day typically finds us throwing faith out the window and using skepticism as a guard from would-be pranksters, I think it's as good a day as any to put our faith into a God that loves us and has a plan.
 
Today, my prayer will be that we can all put our faith in the Lord.  That He will give us the courage to follow the path He puts before us, no matter how difficult.  And that we can find peace and happiness, even in the face of ambiguity.
 
Who knows...after swearing I'd always need to know the sex of my children before they were born, should Justin and I be blessed with another someday, maybe we'll scoop up some of the delicious ambiguity of life and wait (*gasp*) until d-day to find out if the blankets should be pink or blue.