Starting the Climb

Hi friends!  Gosh it's been a while since I've sat down to write.  I'll be perfectly honest with you about the reasons.  Primarily, I've just been too busy to formulate a thought to put down.  More than that though, I will admit that ever since we hit the mark in time where Jack had been gone as long as he was here, I found myself in a backwards trek on my grief journey that landed me at the bottom of a pit that I just couldn't climb out of.  It's not that I want to keep those dark periods from all of you, but I find when I'm that sad there are so many thoughts running through my mind that I can't bring one to the forefront to formulate a post.  Justin has suggested that I start a private journal so that during those times I still have an outlet for my feelings.  I do think it's a good idea, but the struggle I have with it is that pulling out the journal, picking up a pen and writing words, even if they are not legible, takes energy.  Those of you who have gone through any level of depression either due to grief or some other circumstance know that energy is definitely not at it's peak when you are in the valleys.  But, I suppose there comes a point in time where you have to dig it up and begin to help yourself as much as others are helping you.

Speaking of outside help, have I mentioned that Justin is pretty much the sole reason I am still standing today?  There are certainly other pillars in Madelyn, my amazing counselor, and of course my family and friends, but I know God has given me a gift in bringing Justin into my life.  There are many days we'd like to strangle one another, but even when I leave the house fuming about something he's done or not done that the drama queen inside me insists will ruin my day, my heart always steps up to remind me that Justin is a blessing in my life and I couldn't live without him, nor would I ever want to.  Fortunately, for both of us, he has learned over our last 10 years together not to ever eat the last cookie without asking me first.  No matter how loud it is calling you, you just don't do it...ever:)

Many of you reading this know Justin well and can attest to all the qualities that make him such a great husband, father, friend, brother, son, etc.  I've written about the strength of his faith before and it continues to amaze me.  I know sometimes Justin gets frustrated at the different ways we are dealing with Jack's death.  It's frustrating to me too.  But regardless of the different ways we handle our grief, the root of what is keeping us going is the same.

Faith.

Mine wanes far more than Justin's and I'm thankful that I have him to lean on when my cup is low.  Thankful that when I'm crying in a puddle on the floor because I can't feel God holding me, he's there to remind me of the 5 things I just told him about that prove God is with me.  Thankful he is there to be my eyes and ears when grief blinds and deafens me and the devil tries to push his way into my heart in the form of doubt and anger.  Thankful for the bible verses and prayers he sends me randomly - usually when he doesn't even know I need it most.  Thankful for so many things that he has said and done over the last 6 months that have given me the fuel to get up and take on another day.  So, so thankful for him.

There are many things that I want to catch you all up on...heck I still need to get Maddie's birthday party pictures onto the computer from March!  I will get to it because I've come to love sharing the craziness of our life with all of you, it just might take me some time.  Thank God for the internet to use as an avenue to keep people involved in our lives that we otherwise would have only in our memories!  Shoot, most of my immediate family is within 15 minutes of me and still we find ourselves struggling to find time between soccer games, swim lessons, golf outings, work, weddings and all the other insanity summer brings to keep everyone informed.  So, thank you Al Gore (tee hee hee) for this wonderful invention we can use to share the good, the bad and the ugly!

In the meantime, I'm happy to be able to let you know that though I know this will not be the last valley I find myself in, thanks to the love and support of many I'm starting the climb.