Family Picnic

Among the most difficult things we have had to deal with since Jack's death is watching Madelyn grieve.  It is also, however, one of the most inspiring things to be a part of.  The simple innocence with which children approach life's most difficult challenges is something we as adults could benefit from tapping into.
Madelyn has been talking about Jack a lot the last couple of weeks and has had some hard days of missing him and being sad.  One night a couple of weeks ago was particularly tough as I held her for about a half an hour while she sobbed and just let out months and months of emotions she had been holding in.

Thankfully, the Lord guided me through and helped me speak the words she needed to hear because I was totally at a loss as to what to do to help her.  As I tucked her in I asked her if she'd like to visit the cemetery to see Jack's space there.  Sweetly, she calls it Jack's tomb and asks lots of questions about "the rock" and "who put it there" and if Jack is risen like Jesus at Easter.  Cut to the title of this post...

We decided this past Sunday was a good day for a picnic.  Maybe it's odd to have a picnic at the cemetery, but we didn't care.  We packed up the car, picked up some sandwiches and headed to "Jack's tomb".  You should know, I really dislike going to the cemetery.  For one, I'm always disappointed in the condition of the grounds at the cemetery we chose, but more than that I just always leave feeling more empty than when I came.  I never seem to find what I'm looking for - I think maybe in my head I feel like when I'm there I should feel closer to Jack, but I really never do.  At any rate, here are some photos we snapped at our family picnic:

We looked up and saw this cloud shaped like a J :)

The weather was beautiful and my heart felt the most peaceful in that space than it has felt in any previous trips there.  I wish there would have been someone there to get a picture of all of us.  Maybe next time.  It's bizarre that going to have a picnic at the cemetery would be such a great experience, but it felt like such an important step and I'm proud of all of us for making it.  Madelyn asked a lot of questions.  Some were hard to answer in a way that she would understand, but she just kept saying, "Oh I get it! It's like..."  Did she always make the right connection?  No.  But in her head right now she gets it and as she gets older we'll explain it all again.  She's communicating and healing and that's all we can ask right now. 

Thank you to all who sent up prayers for Madelyn when she was hurting that night.  Thank you to all who continue to think about and pray for us.  Day by day we are getting stronger and life is slowly becoming ok again.  The grief still hits us like a sledgehammer out of the blue sometimes (I mean, who knew that taking your baby to the dentist to have some stains polished off of his teeth could send you into a sad funk for the next three days?), but overall God is getting us through, just as He promised He would.

Time Flies

Holy bananas it's been a while! My apologies for the lack of posting.  Life has been so busy for us and time is just flying by!

My sweet little Sam is already 6 months old!  What?!?!?  When did that happen?  No, it's true, he's already halfway through his first year of life.  I'm very happy to say he is thriving and continues to bring such joy to our lives.  I realize I missed his five month old stats, but I assure you I am doing my best to record everything in his baby book for him.  Sorry, Mom, I know how the third child can get shafted with the records so I'm doing my best to keep up:)

Sammy - here is a snapshot of you at 6 months old...

Weight: 19lbs 4 oz (85th percentile)
Height: 28 1/3 inches (off the charts)
Head: 46cm (I think, I can't remember exactly...this is also off the charts)

Sleeping: You're doing better, but you are still the worst sleeper of the three.  Maybe we've made you too dependent on your nuk, but you wake up a lot more than your sister and brother did during the night.  You absolutely will not sleep without a sleep sack.  I like to call it your cocoon because once we zip you up into that thing you turn your head to the side and go right to sleep.  Recently, you've started sleeping on your side and you move all over the bed!  We sometimes look in to find you laying on your side or half on your side with your feet up on the side of your crib.  It's anyone's guess where you will be in the bed when we come to get you up from your nap.

Tricks: You can roll both ways now.  You started rolling from your tummy to your back at about 4 and a half months and just last week went from your back onto your tummy.  We can't keep you on your tummy.  As soon as we put you down, you push yourself back over.

You are so strong!!  You've actually taken some pretty big chunks of hair out of your sister's head already.  I imagine this will get very interesting when you realize what you are actually doing.  For now, she just tolerates you hurting her.  I mean really, if I look at her wrong she bursts into tears.  You pull out her hair Real Housewives of New Jersey style and she laughs in disbelief.  She loves you that much.

We're still working on getting you to sit on your own.  You're getting there, but you get so excited about everything that you have a tendency to throw yourself backwards a lot.  You also still lean to the side a lot, so we'll get you doing some ab work so you can hold yourself up strong;)

Likes:  Eating.  Clearly.  The good news is you also like your exersaucer and just this week you really started jumping around in your little jumparoo.  You are quite possibly the biggest snuggle bug ever.  Doesn't matter who it is, if you are being held you love to just snuggle right in with whoever has you.  I have a feeling that as soon as you are old enough to have a lovey and stuffed animals in bed with you, your bed will look something like your sister's - covered in soft, plush animals with just enough room to squeeze in and fall asleep.  You are also a big fan of Winston.  About a week ago you noticed him and you squeal with delight whenever he comes near you.  Bath time with you is so fun - though we usually end up soaked with puddles all over the bathroom.  You like to splash:)  Can't wait to get you in Grandma and Papa's pool this summer!

Dislikes:  Being alone - you like a room full of people with all eyes on you.  Your car seat.  In your defense though, it really is getting to small for you and quite honestly you are getting so heavy in it that you have maybe one more week before I'm forced to move you up to the convertible car seat.  I was hoping you'd learn how to sit on your own before I had to do that, but we'll deal.  Sleeping in the car.  So bizarre - your sister and brother would be lights out the second I put the car into gear.  We just took a 10 hour trip up to Minnesota to visit Grandma and Opa and you slept for maybe an hour on the way up.  Madelyn used to sleep almost the entire trip when she was your age.  Jack never got to make that trip, but I'm certain he would have been sawing logs in the back seat.  You don't just dislike having your nose cleaned out with the bulb syringe, you hate it with a passion.  I mean, I can't imagine it's very fun having your boogers sucked out of your nose, but it has to be better than not breathing.  You, apparently, disagree, acting as if we are trying to murder you when we try to clear your nasal passages.  I'm honestly waiting for the neighbors to call Child Protective Services on us.  Along those lines, you also dislike having your face wiped.  It's fine, you'll just be that kid with crusty food and boogers on his face.  No, no you will not.  Sorry, you will not win this battle.

Favorite Toys:  Sophie the Giraffe - best teething toy ever.  I scoffed at the price tag, but I gave in and I see its value.  You heart Sophie.  You also adore anything that smiles at you - the turtle that hangs in your crib, the sun in your exersaucer, Leap the frog.  You are happy and you appreciate other happy beings:)  You also enjoy toys with mirrors.  I don't blame you.  You are gorgeous:)

It's funny because you remind me so much of Madelyn and Jack both.  You are already 2 months older than Jack ever was here, but the older you get, the more people seem to see him in you.  I totally see Madelyn now, especially in your eyes, but you really do look a lot like your brother too.  I think it's in the mouth mainly, but the spikey hair and just your boyish features may have something to do with it as well.  Either way, you are definitely making your own personality known.  We call you Screech.  This video I took at the end of April kind of shows why;)  It's long, but if you stick it out until the end, you are sure to smile.

Here you are at 6 months old!  Growing and filling our hearts up more each day.

We're trying to drink up all of these fleeting moments with both you and Madelyn.  We know how they can be gone in the blink of an eye.  I hope some day you have children of your own so you can watch the love between them in amazement like Daddy and I watch you and Maddie.  She is helping us teach you all about Jack.  She still misses him so much, but she knows as we do that he is up there waiting for all of us and watching over us until our jobs here are done.  She actually told me the other day that she is so proud of him for finishing his job here so quickly.  That is the kind of amazing sister you have, Sam.  At four years old, she is so insightful and wise beyond her years.  You are one lucky little boy to have her as a sister.

We have a very busy summer on tap, but I promise I will try not to let too much time lapse between posts.  Somtimes it's hard to soak up life and write about it at the same time, but I know how many of you like to know how we are doing so I will try to keep you all posted.  Day by day, we're making it through.  It's still hard and we know it probably always will be.  Though most of the big milestones are passed, there's always something we struggle with - sometimes it's big things like his birthday coming up, sometimes just little things like the nagging wonder that fills our minds and that ever present longing to be watching all three of our kids playing together.  It's the challenge of not letting that wonder, those what ifs, take over that can be the most difficult.  To let them linger just long enough to make us appreciate the blessings in front of us, but not let them cloud our vision and weaken our trust in the Lord.  Thank you for your continued thoughts and prayers.  We still need them and are more appreciative of them than any words will ever express.  Happy Summer everyone!!  Hopefully we will see many of you as we cross of the calendar days:)

Seventeen Plus One

As many of you who have kids can attest, we count our children's lives in weeks at least for a little while when they are babies.  When the counting turns from weeks to months probably varies quite a bit from person to person.  I probably count in weeks longer than most.  I'm not quite sure why, but I think it's because the weeks don't always line up with the months and I feel like if I count in months instead of weeks I am shorting my kids out of time they have been alive.  I didn't say it was rational people, I just said that's what I do.

When we had to take on the heartwrenching task of writing Jack's obituary, I just couldn't bring myself to list him as 4 months old.  He died on the day he turned 17 weeks.  I didn't want to short him of a week when the time we got to spend together was already so unjustly short.

Today, we are experiencing something with Sam that we never got with Jack.  Today, Sam is 17 weeks and 1 day old.  To say this day is bittersweet is an understatement.  I am so beyond grateful to God for waking us all up today.  For giving us more time together.  But I'm also sad.  My heart is a little heavy, my eyes wet with tears as I try to wrap my head around what this day means.

No more age by age comparisons to his brother.  Now it's strictly, "what was Madelyn doing at this age?".  I wonder, is Sam now older than his big brother or has Jack been growing in heaven too?  It seems everyone has a theory about how old we will be in heaven.  Selfishly, I am hoping Jack is still 17 weeks and will wait to grow up until we get there to be a part of it.

Instead of staring at Sam desperately trying to see Jack so I won't forget what he was like at "this age", will I now be obsessively watching him wondering what Jack would have been like at "this age"?  I already do that when I see boys that are the age he would be now.  I know I don't want to miss the rest of Sam's life because I'm trying to imagine Jack, but I fear I will find myself doing that from time to time.  People who haven't lost a child take for granted that they just get to watch their children grow.  They don't have to consciously tell themselves to focus on the ones who are here, not the one who is not.  They don't have to worry that the children here will feel inferior to the child there.  They may check on their children while they sleep, or worry about them getting hurt, but they don't really think it will happen to them.  No one really believes it will happen to them.

People who haven't lost a child still worry about their children, they still have concern for their futures.  But they don't realize how much worse the worry would be if they were people who have lost a child.  I know it would sound so much better for me to say that as I sit here grateful that our son has reached a milestone his brother did not see, I have learned not to worry about the small stuff.  To some extent that is true.  I have learned not to worry about the small stuff as much as it pertains to my life.  But the truth is, since we lost Jack, every decision pertaining to Madelyn and Sam is painfully difficult.  The big things like where to send them to school and discipline involve more prayer and thought than I ever dreamt (dreamed?) imaginable.  But the small things can be so, so hard too.  Ask Justin how many stupid little things I hem and haw over.  You'd think things like choosing formula and diaper brands would be easy for a three-time parent.  Not when you've lost one of the three.  The fear of making a mistake is crippling.

I'm sorry if I sound bitter.  I certainly don't begrudge those of you who are blessed enough to have all of your children living in your house with you and I absolutely do not wish the loss of a child on anyone.  I wouldn't wish this pain on the devil himself.  But I am insanely jealous of those of you who don't have to wonder why 17 weeks with one son seems like more time than 17 weeks with the other was.

You know what though?  I am also grateful.  I am grateful that through our loss there are so many people who now hug their kids a little tighter, spend a little more time with them and see things in their children that they might not see if they were not reminded that life is so short and the moments with those we love so fleeting.  I'm grateful for every single second I have with my kids.  Even the ones when I'm being told I'm the worst mom ever and I ruin everything (yes, that has already started and she is only 4!).  I'm grateful for a faith that gives me hope and sustains me in even the darkest of hours.  And I'm especially grateful for a husband who strengthens that faith.

I'm grateful for this smile...

And this one...

And of cours this one, shining down on us from above...

I'm grateful for the way Madelyn loves her baby brother, and for how it reminds us of the love she also has for Jack.  I'm grateful for the way Sam's face lights up when he sees his sister in the morning, and for the smiles he flashes at pictures of the big brother he has yet to meet.  I'm grateful for the love and support of countless family and friends.  For the encouragement I get following every blog post (especially because every time I post my instant reaction is to take it back...putting your feelings out there for the world is S-C-A-R-Y).  I'm grateful for every single day I am given.  More grateful than before we lost Jack?  Even though the days are so much harder now?  Yes.  More grateful because before Jack died, days like seventeen plus one were just days.  Now, seventeen plus one means so much more.  Now, seventeen plus one means everything.

Belly Up to the Bar

Not that kind of bar...geez you guys must be having a rough week.  No, I'm talking about a bar of the breakfast variety. 

Recently, I was asked by my friend, Julie, to help her with a little kitchen redesign.  She had a wall that she just could not figure out a solution for, so she sent me some pictures and asked for my input.  This is the wall:

And here are a few other "before" photos of the kitchen (please forgive the lighting, I am still figuring out how to use my camera):

 

Since counterspace is slim and there is no eat-in area in the kitchen, we decided a breakfast bar would be the perfect solution.  We discovered that Home Depot carries the existing countertops, so we ordered one in the dimensions we needed and just a few short weeks later all is installed, the walls were painted, artwork and accessories placed and voila!  Here is the finished product:

We wanted to complement the red tones of the cherry cabinetry, so we chose Behr's Mountain Haze for the wall color.  The soft green tone is beautiful with the other finishes in the room.  I tried my hand at carpentry and built the shelves, inspired by these which I saw on one of my favorite blogs (http://www.younghouselove.com/).  They turned out pretty nice, but I think I will leave the carpentry to someone else next time.  It was a lot more work than I expected!  We purchased wooden letters spelling "EAT" at Michael's & painted them with a teal spray paint I randomly found on clearance at Home Depot.  The stools

and rug are from Target and I scored the wall mounted wine rack at Home Goods.  The other accessories are a combination of purchases made at Target and Bed, Bath & Beyond mixed in with things Julie & Dan already owned.  I'm very pleased with how it all came together, and best of all is Julie and Dan love it too!  

So, are any of you struggling with a space in your house? Maybe you want someone to come in, take over and surprise you with a room makeover. I'm still waiting for Genevieve Gorder to show up and offer to redesign my whole house.  Ahhhhh a girl can dream!  I had so much fun doing this that I am seriously considering taking on a few clients as time allows, so if you do need help with a decorating or design dilemma you are having, please let me know.  It's like my mom always tells me, sometimes just a fresh set of eyes can help you see potential you didn't know existed!

Happy decorating everyone!

Happy Day

I started this post last week Thursday...a week later, I am finally finding time to finish it.

March 1st was a big day in the Staebler house.  Our resident princess, Miss Madelyn, turned FOUR and Sam hit three months old!  Happy, happy day to both of you!

We'll start with the beautiful birthday girl.  Oh Madelyn, how I love you!  Sugar and spice?  That is definitely you!  Some days there is a lot more spice than sugar, but you truly are one-of-a-kind.  I am so proud to be your mommy and I know your daddy is as proud as can be too.  Here are some things I want to remember about you at this age:

• You are very independent, but you don't like to be alone.
• Your very favorite thing is when Daddy or I agree to lay with you for "just a minute" after you say your prayers and it's lights out.  We don't do it very often, but it's really, really hard to say no.
• You are a creature of habit and you love routine.  I think you've had oatmeal for breakfast everyday for about two months now, ha!
• Your favorite colors still seem to be pink and purple, but you don't get so upset about other colors showing their faces anymore.
• You have grown up so much in the last year! Watching the change in you has been amazing - from little things like you learning to not throw a fit when you don't get the purple circle at soccer to big things like listening to you tell Sam about his big brother, Jack. You are wise beyond your years.
• You can get along with anyone and although you are sometimes shy and a little self-conscious at first, you are usually taking your place as leader of the pack within minutes of meeting new friends.
• You adore your teachers at school.  We feel so blessed to have you where you are, surrounded by such good, caring people.
• You have a sweet little lisp and trouble with some sounds like G and K.  I know I should take steps to correct this, but it's so dang cute I just can't bring myself to take you in for screening yet.
• You are so smart and you love to learn.  You are always asking me what things say and telling me what this and that means.
• You love to push the envelope and you are quite the little negotiator.  I see a future in sales for you!
• You don't like to wear pants, only skirts and dresses.  Sometimes I can convince you to wear pants, but they have to be tight like skinny jeans or leggings.  Sweat pants are a rare occurance.  You've actually told me that something doesn't count as a skirt or a dress if you can't twirl in it!  The fancier the better...you'd wear fancy, glittery dresses every day if I'd let you.  I think maybe you belong in the south:)
• Recently, you've started asking for either a pony tail or pig tails everyday.  Yet, after just minutes, you always want to take them out. Which brings me to my next point...
• You are constantly changing your mind.  First you want this, then that, then this again.  It's kind of exhausting actually, hahaha!
• You have personality for days!  There is never a dull moment with you around, that's for sure:)

OK, there are a million other things I'd love to remember and hold onto forever about you being 4, but here are a few pictures of the birthday girl:

Cupcakes for breakfast!

Modeling her new "bathroom robe" from Grandma and Papa

Rapunzel Cake!

Sam, I can't believe you are 3 months old already...and actually today you are 14 weeks!  Since the time is going so fast, here are some things I don't want to forget about you at 3 months:

• I don't know how much you weigh exactly, but I do know you give my arms a workout.  Last time I stepped on the scale with you it was about 14 pounds, but that was weeks ago, so I wouldn't be surprised if you are over 15 now.
• You are sleeping pretty well now, but still not through the night every night.  I'd say 4 or 5 nights a week you sleep all the way through from 7pm-5am, sometimes with a wake up for the nuk, and the other 2 or 3 you are up at 2 or 3am asking for a bottle.  Growing boy I guess!
• You're eating 5-6 ounces about 5 times a day.
• You are in 3-6 month clothes now, depending on what it is and the brand.  Safe to say you are solidly wearing 6 month sleepers.  Not only are you too long for the 3 month ones now, but your feet are too big!
• You have recently found your hands and you are constantly chomping on your knuckles.  Sometimes you find an actual finger or thumb and suck on it, but you really prefer to try to jam your entire fist in there and eat it.  My bet is that first tooth will be making it's appearance by 4 months like your sister because the drooling has begun too!
• You don't like being alone.  If you think no one is around, you start shouting for us to come talk to you.
• You like to be the center of attention.  You always want someone talking to you or playing with you. 
• You are a chatter box!  Even when you wake up at night or in the morning it's not crying that wakes us up, it's you laying in there talking to yourself.  Sometimes it actually sounds like you are calling for us.
• You like to be held facing forward so you can see everything that is going on.  And God forbid we should sit down!  You like to move!!
• You are not a quiet baby.  Your cry could pierce ear drums...I guess your lungs are healthy!
• You love to smile and you recently started laughing.  Sweetest. Sound. Ever.
• You are still a snugglebug.  You nuzzle right in when someone picks you up.
• You love your sister so much! Anything she does is hilarious to you.
• You wake up so happy! When we come into your room to get you in the morning, your arms and legs start flailing like crazy when your eyes meet ours.  Your brother did this very same thing.
• Overall, you are a pretty happy baby and we love you to pieces!

Here are a few pictures of our little man at three months old:

I am so blessed to be Mommy to these amazing kids.  I wish Jack was here so I could watch him grow and record all of the little things I don't want to forget about him, but I know he's watching over us from above, waiting for us to join him.  Until then...