Thank You for Helping Us Grieve

Often, when someone close to us is grieving, we feel at a loss as to how to help. We want so badly to be able to gobble up all of their pain, to go back in time to a place where their loved one was still alive and well. We pray, we reach out, we fumble for words to say or actions to take to try to ease their pain and bring them through the darkness. Since losing Jack, Justin and I have witnessed some of our closest friends and family go through this struggle - wanting to help all the while mourning the loss of Jack themselves.

I received the following letter from a friend who recently experienced an unexpected loss. I modified it slightly, but when I read it I felt like it described so perfectly what Justin and I are feeling. I know many of you don't know what to do, yet you desperately want to help us heal so I wanted to share these words with you to guide you along the way. Please know how much we appreciate all of your thoughts, prayers, words of encouragement and sympathy. You are truly the light that is guiding us through the darkness.

Please talk about Jack, even though he is gone. It is more comforting to cry than to pretend that he never existed. We need to talk about him, and we need to do it over and over.

Be patient with us. Nothing feels secure in our world. Get comfortable with our crying. Sadness hits us in waves, and we never know when the tears may flow. Just sit with us in silence. Don't abandon us with the excuse that you don't want to upset us. Everything upsets us and we'd rather know we have a shoulder to cry on than feel ostracized because we are sad. If you don't know what to say, just give us a hug or tell us your favorite memory of Jack. You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because we look good does not mean that we feel good. If you ask us how we are doing, be prepared for silence or a long-winded rant. We are breathing. We wake up every day, though we don't always want to, and we go through the motions. We put on smiles, but we are dying inside. You may think we are strong, but we are just numb. We manage to put on brave faces at times, but inside we feel a weakness and emptiness that cannot be described with words. Thank you for your encouragement. We hope someday we feel as strong as you tell us we are.

This is not an illness from which we can recover. We will always be grieving in some small way, but our promise to you is that we WILL NOT let grief run our lives. Grief will continue to exist for us, but over time, we will learn how to force it to be a smaller part of our lives. We will never forget Jack and we seek to incorporate his life and love into the rest of our lives. He is part of us and always will be, and sometimes we will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

Our grieving may only really begin 6 months from now. Don't think that it will be over in a year. We are not only grieving Jack's death, but also the people we were when he was alive. The bond between a child and parent is instant and strong and though he was only with us for four months, we loved him with our whole hearts from the moment we were blessed with him and that love will never diminish. Our world will never be the same. Please don't expect us to be.

Justin and I are now and will continue to be grieving differently. No one's way is the right way, we just deal with it and survive how we can. We each have days when we have to be the "stronger" one and pull the other through. The days when we are both the "weaker" one are the days we really need you. Most days, Maddie is the one lifting both of us up. She is amazing. Don't forget about her - she is grieving too. Help us to build her memories of Jack. She may not know how to communicate what she is feeling, but we know she misses her baby brother terribly and we want to assure her that he will not be forgotten and she is not alone.

Jack is not replaceable. God willing, we may have more children some day, but no one will ever replace Jack. It can never happen. Our family may continue to grow, but its chain is forever broken.

While you may mean well by saying things like, "You've got to get on with your life," it's hurtful to hear. Our life is going on and it's terrifying. It may not look the way you think it should, but please know we are doing the best we can. Love us as we are today, and know that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to our lives.

Thank you for your continued notes, phone calls and visits. We need to know that you care about us. We need to feel your hugs. We need you just to be with us. There will be times when we need to be alone, but we also need people around. People who really care about us and will let us get through our grief in our own way, and in our own time.  Truth be told, the shock is just starting to wear off and the hurt is worse now than ever.  Don't assume we are ok if you haven't heard from us.  We need you now and in the months and years to come as much, if not more, than we needed you at the very beginning.

Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." Your phone is not likely to ring because we don't know what to do for ourselves, let alone what to tell other people we need.  The strength needed to pick up the phone and ask for help is just not something we posess right now. Invite us out for dinner, drinks, or a movie. Ask us to take a walk. Invite us to concerts or other events. We may turn you down for awhile, but please don't give up on us because somewhere down the line, we may be ready, and if you've given up then we really will be alone. Understand how difficult it is for us to sometimes be in large groups. Pretending to be happy, even just ok, takes a lot of energy and sometimes it's just too much. We feel lost at times and are still trying to figure out who we are without Jack. Please don't judge us, we're just trying to survive.

There may be times where it seems like we are moving forward and then take two steps back. It's ok. It's going to happen. We are angry, we are afraid, we are confused and looking for answers, we sometimes even feel guilty or at fault in some way. But above all, we hurt. We are experiencing a pain unlike any we have ever felt before and one that can't be imagined by anyone who has not walked in our shoes. We pray with everything we have that no one we love has to go through this. It is hell. It is worse than hell.

To those who have walked in our shoes and have reached out to us - you have helped us in ways you will never know.  You have comforted us, prepared us for what is to come and given us the tools we need to survive this.  We hate that you know how this feels and will forever keep you and your families in our prayers.

Finally, to the rest of you reading this, THANK YOU. For being our friend, for your patience, for caring, for helping and understanding. Thank you for being there. In the days or years ahead, if you should suffer a loss - when you need us as we have needed you - we will understand. And then we will come and be with you.

At Jack's funeral, Fr. Tony said the following words which we are keeping close to our hearts to guide us: "Don't be afraid.  God is with you."  Jack is with us too.  We know that.  We are just trying to learn how to be parents to an angel.