The Fog

This morning as I drove to work, there was a light fog hovering over the roadways and outlying areas.  As is generally the case, the fog was thicker in some spots than others, but the sun was doing its best to peek through and burn it away.  A song happened to be playing on the radio with a message about moving forward even though we can't always see the way.  As I drove through the fog and then through clearings with the sun poking through, it struck me that this weather phenomenon and the song playing were kind of how I was feeling about life the last 8 months.

We really are living life in a fog.  We're moving forward, trying our best to trust God even though we can't completely see the path in front of us.  Though there are days where the fog seems to have lifted, it always seems to be there.  Some days, however, we see the sun poking through, trying to burn the fog away so we can find our way again.  As many of you know, Justin and I are extremely blessed to be welcoming our third child in December.  While absolutely an extremely happy time for us, I can't help but be sad that even this experience is tainted by the loss of innocence we've been slapped with since losing Jack.

Finding out we were having another baby was definitely a day when we saw the sun shining through.  We both felt for the first time in months like there was hope on the horizon and like life really didn't end for us on December 8, 2010, as much as it felt that way.  But the sunshine was short lived as the clouds of doubt and fear started to creep back in over the following weeks and months.

Now I sit at 21 weeks pregnant and I can tell you that I am without a doubt just as excited about this child as I was about Maddie and Jack.  Just as hopeful for its future and just as eager for it to be here.  But I'm also terrified.

I thought that was the reason I wasn't ready to share news of the baby with the world.  I thought I was scared - scared of being judged because it was so soon, scared of something happening and feeling the disappointment all over again, scared that we thought we were ready, but maybe we weren't.  As time went on, I realized that though I was feeling all of those things, they weren't the reasons I wasn't ready to share.

I wasn't ready to share because it wasn't right.  Not the baby, not our decision to continue with our plans to expand our family, but life.  Life doesn't feel right anymore.  And as much as I know all of you would like to believe that one day life will feel right for us, it won't.  Life is never going to feel "right" again.  There will always be something...someone...missing.  That's what I've been struggling with.

On the outside, we are a family of three expanding to a family of four, but really we are four growing to five.  We're preparing for a third child, but at home we're only readying ourselves for a second.  We're decorating the same room, getting out the same baby gear, doing the same things we did only a year ago that we didn't plan to be preparing for again until next year.  It's not right.  It's not right, but it is God's plan, not ours.  Who am I to question that plan?  Who am I to tell the one who created each of us that my plans are better than His?  Unfortunately, God didn't make me a passive person able to accept things without question.  I'm certain that's why He is being so patient with me as I curse & question Him and this "plan".

A couple of weeks ago in church, the Gospel & homily were about "The Wisdom of Solomon".  I'm sure you have all heard that phrase.  Fr. Tony asked us all to consider what we would ask for if we knew God would grant us anything we wished.  I don't think it even took half a second for Justin and I to both say, "Jack."  Obviously, we'd want our son back.  But as I sat there and I listened to Fr. Tony talk about Solomon and what a beautiful thing it was that he asked for the wisdom to make the right choices it occurred to me that maybe asking for Jack wasn't any less selfish than asking for a myriad of other material things.  I can't tell you that I wouldn't still ask for him, but that night I was reminded of the point in this process when, piled in a heap of tears in Jack's room I prayed that God would open my heart to the plan He has for me.  And I prayed.

I prayed that God would grant me the wisdom of Solomon.  That he would help me be open to this plan - this plan that is His, even if it's not what I had in mind.  The next night as I was tucking Maddie into bed, I told her I loved her, kissed her forehead and said the same thing I say to her every night, "God has big plans for you baby girl."  And do you know what that sweet little thing said back to me?  She said, "I know, Mom.  He has big plans for you too."  And I know that if I am going to get through this life with any sliver of happiness, I have to believe that with my whole heart and I have to accept those plans and pray for the courage to follow the path.

So here I am, working my way through the fog.  I have so much more to share about Baby #3 (we're not finding out the sex, so you will have to live in ambiguity with us until December), but this post has quickly turned to a novel, so I will try to share little by little as the days, weeks and months roll on.  For now, I just want you all to know how happy & blessed we feel.  Though we know life won't ever feel "right" again, we're over the moon to be welcoming Maddie and Jack's little brother or sister and know that whether it's a boy or a girl squirming around in there, he/she is just what God knows we need to navigate through the fog.