I've learned since becoming the mother of an angel that the day our child leaves us is known to some as their "Angel Day". I will admit, for me it's still difficult to think of the day Jack died in this way, but today's post is not about my son, it's about the son of a dear family friend...someone who has been like a second mom to me over the years. In fact, the whole family has been like an extension of our family for probably close to 20 years now.
Two years ago today our close friends, the Kinateders, received the call that every parent dreads. Their middle son, Joe, had died. I still remember getting the call from my mom that night and being so stunned myself that I thought I was dreaming. Unfortunately, I was not.
I've said it before, I won't pretend to understand the plans God has in store for us. It is still and always will be incomprehensible to me how this all works. I do know that as I sat in the ER after the doctor called Jack's time of death the very first person I thought of was Mrs. K. I remember sitting there and looking at my mom, saying, "Mom, I need to call Mrs. K. I need to know how to do this."
My first thought, as a mother, was to reach out to a mother I knew felt my pain; to lean on someone I knew and trusted. Truth be told, the entire Kinateder family has been an immense support to us and we've looked to them so many times for answers. They may not even know it, but they have really been such a light in guiding us through this. Are these parallel paths we are on part of God's plan too? Did he know we'd need each other to guide one another through life?
I know today is heartbreaking for all of them so I ask that all of you reading this please say an extra prayer today for Fred, Mary, Fred Jr., Meghan and Michael. I hope they feel the love that surrounds them and know there are countless people thinking of them and Joe today.
There are a lot of things I remember about Joe, but without a doubt the thing I remember most is his smile. I wish I had a good picture to share, but most of my pictures of Joe are at home in a box filled of memories from my school years. Joe had a smile that always had a little extra something behind it. He'd flash that smile at you and without fail you'd wonder, "What is he up to? What is he really thinking right now?" I actually often find myself wondering what he's up to, up there in heaven. My guess is he spends a lot of time playing with the kids...I hope my Jack is one of them. Those two could light up the world if they smiled together.
Today, my heart is a little heavy knowing that my friends that I love so dearly are hurting a little more than the average day. Knowing that they are probably replaying that day in their heads and going back to that place of wondering what they could have done. You see, we know in our minds that there is nothing we could have done, that God is in control, but some days it's hard for our hearts to accept that. The pain of missing our kids, our brothers, our sisters, our parents, our friends, is too much and we feel like if we hang on to the what ifs maybe, just maybe we'll wake up tomorrow and they'll still be here. Grief isn't rational.
I made a promise when Jack died that I wouldn't let grief control my life. I made that promise because of something both Mr. and Mrs. K told me in the days after his death. They said, "Annie, it's not always easy, but some days you have to just slap on that smile and force the sadness to take a back seat." In order to do that, however, there are some days you have to let yourself feel how you feel and not apologize for it. The Kinateders also told us to just "do what you can" on the bad days. Today, I hope all of them do what they can to get through the day, let themselves be sad, remember Joe and know that tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow they can force the sadness to the back, but today is Joe's Angel Day, so today they get to do what they can.
A friend of mine sent me this prayer after Jack died. I changed it a little, but today I will be praying for the Kinateder family with all my might:
"Help them, God. Give them strength. Ease their suffering. Show them how to live in this world when their soul lies in the grave. Heal their hearts, God; be their comfort. Revive their hope, God; teach them to believe that they will come to know their blessings & joy once more. Stay with them, God; don't leave them. Hear my prayer, God. They entrust their child to You, God. Take care of him. Watch over him. Protect him. Spread your peace over him. Shelter him with gentleness & love, as they would. Guard him until the day when they find themselves beside him once more. Hear me, God. Heal them, God. Amen."
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