Let Go and Let God

Wow.  What a difference a year makes!  I remember exactly how I felt a year ago at this time.  It was a Monday and I was heading in to work, disappointed that Jack had not yet made his entrance into the world.  I was so anxious to meet the little guy!

I opened my email this morning to a daily email I receive called, "God's Daily Promises".  Today's title was - "What's in store for you?" and the promise below was, "God has wonderful plans for your life."  Seems to be a theme in my writing lately, doesn't it?  At any rate, the message questioned whether we'd like to know what God had in store for us a year from now.  A year ago I would have said yes, but today as I sit here I am starting to realize that maybe there is a reason that isn't possible.  The message went on to say, "God leads us a day a time, a step at a time. No need to worry about distant events."  Easy for you to say, I thought.

But I'm type A, a planner...and admittedly, a worrier.  Giving my worries to God has always been a struggle for me.  And now, there are days that I actually feel like Jack is gone because I didn't worry enough.  I thought I took every precaution possible to ward off SIDS, but there must have been something I missed otherwise he'd still be here, right?  Probably not, but it doesn't stop me from questioning it, from worrying it will happen again if I don't worry hard enough this time.  And this is why I am in counseling.  God Bless my therapist!!!

Yesterday marked 8 months since Jack went back to heaven.  I say back because I believe that we start there before we're sent here.  The 8th (& 9th actually) day of the month is always hard for me, but I didn't expect to be quite as sad as I was yesterday.  I think it was a combination of remembering how I felt a year ago on that day, how badly I wanted him to be here, missing him terribly and his birthday coming up on Thursday.  Whatever it was, it was just plain hard.  There was a lot of crying, a lot of praying and pleading with God and today, puffy eyes and a massive headache. 

I was longing not only for Jack, but also for the innocent happiness I still had then.  The blissful ignorance that I possessed before death took it from me.  I wanted the anxious anticipation of him I felt then to replace the heartbroken longing that I feel now.  Every now and then throughout the day, I'd be thinking of Jack and feel a little jab from baby #3.  Maybe God and Jack reminding me that I still have many blessings to be happy about and that life is still worth it, even on the dark days.  In my heart I know this to be true, but as I've said before, I've learned that in order to truly remember that I have to allow myself to just be sad some days.

Truth is, everyone is sad right now.  Our family, our friends, they all want us to be celebrating Jack's first birthday on Thursday with him, not in memory of him.  Everyone wants the power to go back and change things, I know that.  None of us wants to see people we love hurting beyond our ability to make it better.  But here we are, a year later, approaching Jack's birthday with dread rather than anxious anticipation.  All of us sad, all of us hurting, wondering what next year will bring.  Wondering what's in store for us.  My ongoing goal is to learn to "let go and let God", as they say.  Not to let go of Jack and my memories of him, but to give my worries to God and let Him keep them instead of stealing them back as I so often do.  After all, I don't want to get to the end of my life and look back on all I missed because I was too busy worrying about the many things I can't control.  I will still worry, but I will try with all my might to channel my worry into positive action rather than letting it steal my happiness.

Are you a worrier, like me?  Do you find yourself almost obsessing about things you know you can't control?  Trying to plan for all of the what if's and every possible circumstance?  If so, I encourage you to let go and let God along with me.  Feel free to let me know if this is something you are struggling with and I will pray for you right along with myself.  As my husband, whose faith continues to uphold and amaze me, tells me constantly - God will help us, if we let Him. 

The Lord will guide you continually, watering your life when you are dry and keeping you healthy, too.
Isaiah 58:11