Until We Meet Again

Tomorrow, we will send another angel up to heaven.  I struggle to find the words today to pay tribute to my friend, Ashley.  I am feeling so many things since learning of her passing.  I'm sad.  I'm angry.  I'm grateful.    I'm filled with memories that bring a smile to my face and haunting regret.  Death comes with so many emotions.

My heart aches for her family, especially her parents.  Knowing exactly how their hearts are feeling is simply the worst.  Though I haven't seen her beautiful, dimpled smile in person for years, I'm grateful that we were able to keep in touch via Facebook and email.  Thank God for modern technology!

I am one of many, many people who are thinking about Miss Ashley today; praying for her and her family and remembering how she has touched so many lives.  When Jack died, Ashley sent me many encouraging messages and she never let me forget that I was loved and supported.  She reminded me of a letter I wrote her when she graduated from high school, just days after her best friend and first love was tragically taken from us too soon.  I can't recall what I said in that letter, but I am grateful to know that my words touched Ashley and helped her through tough times in her life.  I went back after hearing of Ashley's passing and read what she wrote to me and I felt as though she was speaking to all of us from beyond, sending us a roadmap to get us through losing her.

I feel compelled to share Ashley's message with all of you.  I pray that her words may offer some comfort to her many friends who may be reading this.  Ashley, you are loved and adored and we will miss you immensely.  Thank you for what you gave to this life.  May you find peace in your final resting place.

Here is an excerpt of what Ashley wrote to me after I lost my son:

December 24, 2010
Annie,

This is long over due. I don't even know how to say what I need to say. When I found out [about Jack's passing], I was more than beside myself for days, non stop. You see the thing is, well you know me, and when someone hurts someone that I love, then that person had better watch their back because I will be coming for them. But with this, it's me against God and I can't intimidate him or punch him in the face. For me, I honestly would rather spend a lifetime full of sadness and suffering, than ever have to watch someone I love go through so much pain.

I guess the best way to explain how I'm feeling is a line from the song ' Running up that hill'..." And if I only could make a deal with God, I'd get him to swap our places. If I only could..."

You probably don't even remember but, you wrote me a beautiful letter and gave it to me on the day I graduated from CMH. I still will pull that letter out and read it when I'm having a bad day. You touched my soul and it's something that you selflessly did for me and I've never forgotten.

Annie, please just know that I love you so very much and I think about you every couple of minutes. And I am so sorry that I can't make things better. I know you are surrounded by tons of family and friends, but I just needed to tell you my heart goes out to you. I cannot even imagine, and everytime I try, I break down.

If there is anything at all that I can do for you, PLEASE let me know. You're my Hambone, and I'm always gonna be here for you, always.

All my love,
Ashley

December 25, 2010
You will survive, I wouldn't lie to you. It's gonna be so incredibly rough for a really long time. You will never ever get over it, but I know you and you are so strong, you always have been, I believe in you. Annie, you have a very long road ahead of you and trust me, you will go through all the stages and its going to be awful. Lean on your family and your adorable little Maddie. But I have no doubts that if anyone can make it through something like this...it's you.

Be open to the signs that heaven sends down, you'd be suprised at all the "coincidences". I know it doesn't bring him back, but there's a strange thing about death, somehow there is beauty in it. You won't see it for a long time I'm sure, but its there. I never met Jack, but he sure must have been one special little man, God missed him so much, he had to take him back. I know that's not fair at all, but in order for any of us to continue after a tragedy, we have to believe and tust in God, even if we don't like what he chooses for us.  None of this is probably very comforting right now, I know, but someday you'll see what I mean.

Annie, I know right now its a nightmare, the worst, but I really believe someday it might be just a little bit easier. Never ever ever give up! I promise you will survive but I think you and I both know its gonna take a lot longer than you want it to. I am so, so sorry. I'm always here, let's keep in touch, I want to bring you the letter you wrote to me to make me feel better, it's so ironic. Maybe you will find comfort in it. I hope so.

I love you Annie!

December 26, 2010
You're gonna be okay, I promise. It just takes time. He is so adorable, truly the face of an angel. And what a lucky baby to have such a wonderful mother during his short time here on earth. He's with you, you just have to be open enough to see it. I know that's not good enough, I really do. He will always be your son, and you will always be his mother, and no one, not even God can ever take that away from you!


I love you Hammes and I'm thinking about you all the time.

Hang in there,
Ashley
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Those messages say a lot about who Ashley Liebl was.  She was a great friend, a defender of those she loved.  She had a huge heart and a beautiful soul.  I think many of us can identify with how Ashley was feeling then.  We're sad, heartbroken and angry that our friend isn't here.  Many of us probably even want to punch someone in the face.  But what I find most beautiful about her messages was the insight she offered when she said, "...there's a strange thing about death, somehow there is beauty in it. You won't see it for a long time I'm sure, but its there."  It's difficult to see the beauty in someone you love leaving you, but she's right.  To me, the beauty is knowing that when they leave us, they are going to a place where there is no more pain.  There is no more suffering.  There are no more bad days.  No more struggles.  Only beauty.  Only peace.  Only happiness.  That is what we all have to look forward to. 

I also think it's important to remember this advice she offered, "...in order for any of us to continue after a tragedy, we have to believe and tust in God."  Trust me when I tell you this is NOT easy.  But Ashley is right, we have to trust Him.  We have to believe in Him and the promise of heaven.

Ashley, my promise to you is that through the tears and the heartbreak, the sadness and regret, I will think about where you are now with a grateful heart.  I will allow myself to find peace with the fact that you feel no more pain, only happiness and fulfillment.  And I will encourage others to try to find hope and joy amidst their pain.  Tomorrow, we will remember you and allow ourselves to feel the flood of emotions, the range of emotions, but when we lay our heads down to sleep at night, we will be grateful that you were a part of our lives here and look forward to the day we meet again.  We'll keep ourselves open to the ways you will continue to touch our lives from beyond and we will never, never forget you.

Much love to you, Ashley.  Much love.