I don't know how I've found most of the blogs I follow. A couple of my friends started blogs to keep family and friends posted on what they were up to, so I think I started by reading those and in searching for inspiration for a nursery re-do when baby #3 was on the way I stumbled across some others. Through those blogs I found others and now I randomly find little gems here and there that are added to my reading list. But along the way one of the blogs that has had the biggest impact on me is Momastery.
If this blog is not currently on your reading list, stop reading this post right now and add it. You will laugh. You will cry. You will feel empowered beyond belief. It will make a difference in your life and you will be better for it.
Momastery's author is a monkee (read the blog, you'll understand) named Glennon. Glennon is currently out on tour promoting her new book, Carry on, Warrior, so she has some guest posters and today's was exactly what I needed. Go check it out...and then add Rants from Mommyland to your reading list. I laughed until I had a side ache.
Justin has been away since Saturday, celebrating his Grandma Black's life. I always miss him when he's gone because he really does do so much in our family. But for some reason, this trip was extra stressful. I inadvertantly over-booked us for the month of May, so there has been lots of running to dance class, soccer games, swimming lessons (which involved me putting a bathing suit on, ahhhhhh!), family pictures, baby showers, celebrations of all kinds, all in between the regular stuff like laundry, yard work, eating, sleeping... You get the picture.
This is also the second extended trip J has been on in the last two weeks, so it's been crazy around our house. There may or may not be laundry piles to the ceiling and dirty dishes overflowing from the sink and we might have had pizza for dinner three nights in a row. Might have.
But this is not meant to be a pity party. I give you the background only to help illustrate how I've been feeling. This is life and I am beyond blessed to have what and who I have in my life. But some days, doesn't every mama feel like she's doing everything wrong? Some days, don't we all feel like we are ruining our kids? Please tell me I'm not the only one who feels that way.
When Justin is gone, I'm a little bit shorter with the kids. I'm a little less patient. They watch TV too much and eat too much junk food. They probably get away with a little more than when I have my anchor around to remind me that no, Madelyn cannot have another cookie just because she has asked 16 times and I'm about to lose my friggin' mind if she asks why she can't have it one more time. I yell a little more and I might use a few more curse words. Might.
But then today, I turned on my computer and I came across Julie's post on Momastery. And with every word I read, I felt more normal. I felt less like a terrible mom and more like every other mom on the planet. Because I know I love my kids with every ounce of my being. And I know they know I love them that much. Maddie wouldn't tell me I'm her favorite mom in the whole world and that she loves me to Jack and back if she didn't know that. And Sam wouldn't feel the need to be on my hip or have a death grip on my leg as I try to maneuver around the kitchen to get him breakfast. I'm not perfect. Not even close. I'm not always the mom I want to be. But just like Julie, I love my kids "no matter what".
Most days I feel like I'm stumbling through this motherhood thing. No one told me it was this hard. No one told me that seeing your kids struggle, and having to let them figure it out on their own so the struggles would become easier and fewer, would be harder than any struggle I'd ever have to face on my own. No one told me how hard it would be to choose where to send my kids to school and how what once seemed to be the simplest decisions would now require weeks of prayer and discussion.
But the thing that no one can tell you, not really anyway, is how much having kids changes your heart. How proud you will be when you see your kids randomly hug one another. How exciting seeing your child score their first soccer goal can be...even if it is a complete accident and she has no clue what just happened. How truly happy they will make you.
In case you have been living under a rock, Mother's Day is this weekend. Even if you are not a mom yourself, know that your mom doesn't need a special day on the calendar to feel important. She may spend a good portion of her time questioning whether she did the right thing or said what you needed to hear. She may feel guilty for that time she snapped at you when you asked her innocently at the age of 5 why her legs were so big (yes, that really happened, followed by advice to get on the treadmill *sigh*). She may remember the time you picked her dandelions and excitedly brought them over to you with a smile. She may tear up at the thought of something hard she had to sit back and watch you go through on your own. But if she's like me, all she'll want for Mother's Day is to know you love her...and that you know how much she loves you. No matter what...
You see, to the world we are just moms. But to our kids we are everything. To our kids, we are Mom. With a capital M.
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