Baby Steps Make Big Progress

My apologies for those of you eagerly anticipating a new post.  Life has been busy since I last had a chance to sit down and write.  Life is still busy, but there is a lot to share, so here goes...

I made it through the anger that consumed me last Friday, though I admit it did creep its way into Saturday and Sunday a little as well.  I have to admit, it feels a little victorious.  I allowed myself to feel that very scary emotion and I made it through to the other side.  Along the way, I also took what I feel are some pretty big steps...maybe even a leap or two...in working through all of this.  I don't like to use the word healing because to me it doesn't feel like healing.  This feels more like a disease that I will learn to live with and control, much like a diabetic learns to live with their ailment.  I don't think that we will ever be healed of losing Jack, but I do believe that we will learn to live without the grief and longing for him controling our every thought and action.

As any of you who have been through a loss know, a big step in learning to live is getting yourself out of the house.  It's harder than you might think.  Not only do you have to muster the energy to actually morph yourself into something remotely presentable, you have to maintain the energy as you put on a smile and try to talk about anything other than the sheer sadness and longing you feel inside.  All you want to do is talk about your loved one and remember them, but you feel that it might make the people around you uncomfortable so you conform and talk about who's dating who or the latest in the lives of those present.  Somehow, the topic of conversation, for the most part, manages to stay off of your loss.  I believe this is partly because people want you to be able to think about something else, but partly because the small talk is more comfortable for them.  At any rate, I took this step not once, but twice over the weekend.  And I'm proud of myself for it.

Friday night Justin, Maddie and I joined my dear friend and college roommate, Leah, and her "man friend" (her term, not mine:) ), Kyt, for dinner.  Jack came up a little bit, but I admit, it was nice to have conversation not entirely focused on our grief.  We know they would sit there and talk about Jack all night long if we wanted to, after all Kyt never met our precious little boy and would have really loved him, but they just kind of let us slip him into the conversation where appropriate and directed the conversation elsewhere when it was needed.  Having Maddie around is great for this because it's hard not to focus on her when she's in your presence.  A side note here, let me tell you my girl is all Wisconsin.  She wanted nothing to do with any food other than the delicious plate of deep fried cheese curds.  Three at a time, she scarfed them down.  Note to self, next time out order Maddie cheese curds with a side of broccoli for her meal.  She will be in heaven.

Saturday, after a day filled with soccer, furniture stores, Sams Club and a nap-time battle with an exhausted 3-year-old, I got together with my girlfriends.  Everyone had been asking me if I wanted to do anything to celebrate my birthday (which was February 8th), but to be honest, I was just glad I made it through that day and I didn't want to relive it.  So, they obliged and we just got together with some good wine and appetizers.  I won't lie, it wasn't easy at first.  I struggle to make conversation now.  In all of my life, this is never something I have struggled with, but I find it hard to focus and maintain interest now.  My mind always drifts back to my own grief.  But I pushed through it and despite a minor outburst when Grey's Anatomy was brought up (I can't watch it anymore...false hope about what doctors can do...I'm 100% certain if our situation happened on tv, Jack would have lived, which is just not possible in reality) it was an ok night.  I won't use the word good because at no point did I ever feel good, but it was nice to see the faces of all of my girls.  As my friend, Katie, reminded me, it was an important step in easing back into the world.

I've been friends with all of these girls for about 20 years now and despite distance, time and changing priorities, we have remained close.  They've been there to offer hugs and shoulders to cry on and to let me do whatever I need to do, unapologetically.  I don't expect them to understand how I feel and I have to remind myself to be patient sometimes, but I know they love me and they all wish with everything they have that this didn't happen to my family.  I may not tell them this enough, but I thank GOD every single day for these girls.  They know me and they still love me.  We're not all at the same place in life, which is sometimes difficult, but at the end of the day I know they don't want me to be anyone but me.

Feeling brave after sticking my toe in the water, I took a leap on Sunday.  We started as we always do, by going to Mass.  Maddie decided she wanted to go to the playroom, so Justin and I actually got to sit and listen and pray without being tugged on, climbed over and nudged.  Church is always incredibly hard for me.  Anyone who sees me there can attest that I am always tissue in hand, sobbing by communion.  When Jack was alive, church was the one place I was always holding him.  I sometimes handed him off to Justin to take Maddie to the bathroom or just to give my arms a little break, but for the most part he was in my arms.  So being there, in that building, is where my arms feel the emptiest and my heart the most vulnerable.  It's where I really truly just let my guard down and attempt to give my burdens to God.  It's also an hour of "quiet" where my thoughts are allowed to travel wherever they want, and my eyes always seem to land on a baby, thus making my arms feel more empty and my heart ache more.  But I know it's also the one place I absolutely need to be every single week.  We cannot do this alone.

After church, we picked up Maddie's newly purchased big girl bed and went home to put it all together.  Since Jack died, there are many nights when Maddie wants us to lay with her "for three minutes" as she falls asleep.  While not a habit we want to get into, it's hard to say no to those big blues, so Justin or I usually end up laying on the floor next to her bed...sometimes falling asleep right along with her.  We decided we're too old for that, so we made the decision to get a bigger bed.  Here are some snapshots of the progression...full transformation of the room is still in progress.

I'm happy to say Maddie is doing great in her new bed!  I've only had to lay with her once and she picked out a new bedspread that is actually very cute.  Now I just have to re-paint the walls so it all goes together!  The first morning she woke up in her new bed she said, "Mom, this bed is so huge I bet even Grandma and Papa could fit in it with me.  We better have them sleep over tonight."  Bless her heart.

So after all of this action, I was starting to feel a little overwhelmed and asked Justin if he minded if I just got out of the house by myself for a little bit.  Of course, he didn't mind so off I went.  I had a couple things to grab at Target, so I made a quick stop there and got a cup of coffee and then, I took a deep breath, plugged in my ipod and sobbed uncontrollably as I drove to the cemetery...for the first time since we laid Jack to rest.

When I pulled into the cemetery, I wasn't sure I was ready to do it, but I drove through to his space as "When I See you Smile" began to play and when I saw his name up there, I lost it.

I convinced myself to push through and I pulled around and parked.  When I opened the door to get out of my car, I felt this amazing sense of calm and peace come over me.  I wanted to keep crying, but I couldn't.  I don't know if it's because I knew he wasn't really "there" or if it's because he was there with me or God was there with me or both, but my heart felt a little less heavy.  It was a beautiful day and the sun was shining bright over his space, so I snapped a few pictures.

Then, I turned to the east and saw something that was unmistakably a sign from my Jackeroo.  There, in broad daylight, was the moon and next to it, two airplane trails that had intersected to form a cross in the sky.  I always think of Jack when I see the moon.

We got Maddie a book after Jack died called, "Dancing on the Moon".  It's about a little girl whose brother dies and she flies to the moon to try to get him back.  Upon finding him, he tells her he is always with her - on her shoulders when she takes a walk, in the threads of her clothes, the wind in her hair, the blankets that keep her warm at night.  When it's time for her to leave the moon and go back home she hugs him so hard he slips into her heart.  So, each night when we see the moon, we say, "Goodnight Jack! We love you!"  When I saw the moon in the sky, I knew he was proud of me.  For taking that step and all of the other baby steps in the days leading up to this one because all of these baby steps make big progress.