We Walk in Faith

Over the course of the last two months, I have been graced by countless messages from people expressing awe over the faith and strength I have shown.  While you will never know how appreciated those notes of support are, I feel I owe it to all of you to share some of the dark side of this journey.

You may notice there are stretches of time where I don't blog.  You may also notice my blog posts, when they do appear, most often end on a positive note.  The haituses come not only when I am too busy to post, but during times when I'm down.  Times when I simply can't find a positive topic to share, when I just don't have the energy to search for the good. 

Following every post I publish, I always receive so many encouraging words telling me how amazing I am or that I've inspired people to open up about their faith, even several nudges to write a book.  The outpouring of support is encouraging and to be completely honest, it's one of the reasons I've taken to blogging.  By putting myself out there, I elicit much-needed support from people both very close to my situation and far removed.  I am so happy to know that my words are helpful to other people as well.  Whether it be a post the encourages someone to be more open about their faith, helps them put something they are going through into perspective, or simply lets someone know that we are surviving - I'm relieved to know my words are serving more than just me.

Knowing this, however, I feel obligated to ensure what I am putting out there for all of you is worthy of the encouragement and support you continue to show.  As such, I've refrained from sharing the scary moments.  I don't want to mislead you about the journey (honestly...now I know why they use that word so much on the Biggest Loser...there is not really a more adequate way to explain it) I am on...we are on.  There are dark, dark days.  But I don't think I could get to the positive days without the hard days leading me there.  And I KNOW I could not get to the positive days without Justin literally picking me up and carrying me there sometimes.

This is going to make him beyond uncomfortable, but all of you out there encouraging me and applauding me for my strength and my faith need to know where it comes from.  I am blessed with the most amazing husband.  I've always believed this to be true, but I don't know that I really truly understood the depth of what my husband has to offer until recently.  Justin is 100% my rock.  The days when I am screaming at God asking Him why this happened and why he didn't just take me too, Justin is the one holding me telling me to have faith and trust the Lord.  He is the one reassuring me that God does love me and that He is not done with me yet.  Reminding me that there are people here on earth that still need me and that I need to honor them and God by living the best life I can while I'm here.  He does it with his words, but more than that, he says it with his actions. 

One of the things that fills me with the most sorrow is that this amazing, faith-filled man has lost the opportunity to shape his son into the same kind of man that he is.  I pray every single day that God blesses us with another son someday, because the world needs more men like Justin Staebler.  Despite the extreme sense of loss he is feeling, there is not a day that he doesn't worry about the rest of us first.  You see, he knows he has faith and he knows Jesus is his savior.  But he also knows that I struggle with it.  He knows that life and faith are not black and white.  But he also knows that I try to make it that way - and many days I end up in a pile on the floor because I am unsuccessful fitting the square peg into the round hole.  And those are the days that he picks me up, puts me back on my feet and tells me to let go and trust God.  He knows how hard that is for me, but day after day he reminds me that I need to do it.

Along with Justin, I have all of you.  Emailing me, sending me messages on facebook, calling me, texting me - telling me I inspire you, sending me scriptures, encouraging me to keep writing, to keep telling my story.  I will take credit for actually taking the step to put it all out in the open, but you all deserve the credit for keeping me going.  Through all the dark days, know that each of you is helping me...helping Justin...helping Maddie...helping all of us walk in faith.

I leave you with a picture I have up next to me at work.  Most of the time when I look at it I still cry because I miss this baby boy so much.  But sometimes, I'm able to smile through the tears.